By The Samford Bee
Dear The Beez,
It’s a time of extreme political turmoil and gridlock in our country. I’m conducting my political responsibility as a citizen to vote, but I am torn in my ballot. I have seen people write you, The Samford Bee, in for president, and I was wondering what your political platform looked like. You probably have my vote anyways, but I just wanted to make sure.
Sincerely,
Jessica
5’6’’
Pelham, AL
Jessica,
What an incredible question, I’m so glad you asked. My platform is a three-pronged fork, also known as an oyster/seafood fork, relating to the issues of the American people. I plan to be a president who gives everything for the people, and this fork is how I plan to do it.
The first prong: pollen. My first act in office will be getting rid of pollen and allergies. I haven’t really figured out how I am going to do so, but never fear, have faith! Pollen has claimed the nasal pathways of too many Americans, and it’s time we take them back!
The second prong: Chick-fil-A sauce. If I want 3 Chick-fil-A sauces, I should be able to get three Chick-fil-A sauces as THE STANDARD. Executive order number one should be all about Chick-fil-A sauce.
Thirdly, I would like to take away speed limits. I think the solution to our congestion and all of our traffic issues is that people simply aren’t driving fast enough out of fear of being pulled over. Solution numero uno: no speed limits, and potentially no stop signs or stop lights – TBD on that.
If you want a president that cares about the issues that matter, vote The Samford Bee.
