ACTUAL DISCLAIMER: This is a satirical column.
Disclaimer: Do not bring unauthorized birds onto campus.
Like any institution established by mankind, Samford has its own issues that affect students, but few are as prevalent as the Wi-Fi problem, which has seemingly been here for years. It feels like despite all the upgrades to the internet around campus, nothing has changed.
I am plagued by this issue in Beeson Woods, when me and my buddies try to watch a 30-minute episode of a TV show. Those 30 minutes quickly turn into more than an hour when you account for advertisements (why are we paying to still have those?) and the video buffering. Like many students, I am too busy to spend my free time in this manner.
I can only imagine how many poor Instagram Reels-addicted students can no longer get their dopamine fix because the Wi-Fi cannot keep up with their scrolling. There is a clear problem here, but a concrete solution is yet to be found; until now.
Dearest reader, I have thought for at least three weeks and two days about how this issue could be solved, and the solution is now clear (it was revealed to me in a dream).
In the first world war, homing pigeons were a vital method of information delivery and could carry notes to soldiers on land or stranded at sea. I think homing pigeons could be the old, and perhaps obvious, but reliable solution to our unreliable internet. While at first things like streaming could seem difficult, I imagine the pigeons could carry at least three frames of video per minute, which is probably faster than the current Wi-Fi in Beeson Woods.
There are also several other uses for these pigeons! Imagine blowing a whistle and a pigeon brings you a slip showing how many meal swipes you have left for the week or brings a letter to your professor explaining your latest absence.
Modern problems require eighteenth century solutions.
Staff Reporter
