By Jackson Clark
Samford is many things, but it is certainly not cheap. Students rely on a combination of federal aid, school scholarships and family money to pay their way into the hallowed halls of this university. The scholarships, in particular, can be make or break when it comes to Samford’s affordability. Students spend hours scouring the Samford website for possible sources of cash.
Unfortunately, most of these scholarships are locked behind lists of highly specific requirements. It could require being the oldest child of a Baptist preacher. Or the first person from Mingus, Texas to attend college. Or a two-year gap program building homeless shelters in Southeastern Romania. For the supremely unlucky, it could be all of the above.
Obviously, this makes the process of applying for scholarships extremely frustrating. Students deserve a more equitable system when it comes to obtaining scholarships. This system should be accessible to everyone, regardless of background or income bracket. To that end, I would like to propose a new method for distributing scholarships to Samford students going forward: The Samford Battle Royale.
The finer details are subject to change, but the general premise is as follows: all Samford students interested in scholarships would gather on the quad. Samford staff will then scatter supply drops across the battlefield. These drops contain an assortment of deadly weapons, included but not limited to: razor scooters, assorted Lego bricks, black mold from the air vents in Smith, Caf chicken and bottled liquid from the sink under the dish return. Students will rely on their ingenuity and leadership to prove that they deserve a Samford scholarship.
The competition will last until 10 contestants remain standing. To speed up the pace of the game, sections of the quad will be closed off after a period of time. Students are only out of the running if they step off the grass. Any method used to accomplish this is fair game.
Now, I know what you’re thinking: this idea sounds fantastic, but how in the world could it work legally? The entire enterprise reeks of liability. I will admit that there are difficulties in this area, but these can easily be circumvented with the awesome power of waivers. Simply adding clauses voiding responsibility for any mauling, maiming or lost Samford IDs should prevent any legal kerfuffles (people never read the fine print, anyway).
If this system is successful, it could be implemented in other areas of Samford’s operations. Imagine a world where instead of lotteries for housing, students could tap into their primal instincts and fight for land rights in their preferred dorm. Instead of shaking hands with 500 dudes to get a bid during rush, you could arm wrestle the frat leader to assert alpha status. The possibilities are endless. I only hope that Samford’s donors can see this vision, too. To the victor, go the spoils!
