By Emma Hawkins
DISCLAIMER: This is a satirical column.
You have entered the college world — the realm manufactured specifically to envelop yourself in rich education, find your sense of self and grow in your personal development as a genuine member of our modern society. Classes are narrowing to more articulate subjects based on your major. Your closest friends (at the ripe age of 20) are getting engaged. Internships have begun. Everything is seemingly more challenging but remains doable and somewhat exciting in this college stage. But then, you, a young student just trying to get your degree and have fun in the process, come face to face with a black hole, a corporate abyss: LinkedIn.
LinkedIn is a professional social platform designed to connect with peers or professionals in your current or upcoming field. Your profile must be polished, clean and completely appropriate in accordance with corporate professionalism. Suddenly, all your social media must alter in their journey towards decorum and respectability: bikini photos gone, party photos deleted, hashtags about “your world” and “love of my life” after dating for 5 weeks must be taken down. No more, “chilling with da boys” captions. This alteration can feel like that sense of self you have been developing is being stolen from you. That is okay.
Along with this, your vocabulary in your speech takes a sudden change. You do not cry anymore; you face a period where you must navigate emotional growth and accelerated feelings. You are not chill anymore; you are well organized, driven and hard-working. You once were into theater, but now you immerse yourself in audible experiences that evoke awe struck emotion.
This new LinkedIn path of yours has made you reminisce on the glory days (2 months ago before you made an account). In all seriousness, it kind of solidifies your anxiety that the adult world is now your reality. This can feel daunting, too real. And then, the worst comes to worst: your dad sends you a friend request, followed by a tedious paragraph of what to change about your profile. Following this, his friends that think they can just maybe help you or hook you up with a job nearby add you. Now not only have you lost your sense of self — your dad’s friends think it’s excellent.
The solution: there really isn’t one. It is an inevitable canon event, but it is all going to be okay and is a shared experience. There is peace in that.
