DISCLAIMER: This post is purely satire
Ah, Halloween. A time for our nation’s youth to cavort around dressed up as various pop culture characters and consume enough fun sized Kit-Kats to make a Victorian child flatline. At least, that’s what they want you to think. While certain lukewarm Christians may think this holiday harmless, real believers see it for what it truly is: a satanic plot to corrupt the youth.
You may have thought that dressing up as a Disney princess would be completely permissible, but you would be WRONG. By stepping out of your door on Aall Hallow’s Eve, you are opening yourself up to all manner of demonic influences. This is the one day of the year where God is completely powerless to protect you from the forces of evil. It gets worse every year. In fact, it was revealed to me in a dream that there will be 30% more razorblades given out to children this year than previous Halloweens.
In lieu of the horrific evil of giving free gifts of candy to your neighbors, I propose a much better solution: Reformation Day. In commemoration of Martin Luther nailing his 95 Theses to the door of the Wittenburg church, Samford University will indulge in a calm, orderly celebration of the legacy of the Reformation. Instead of asking for candy, students will travel across campus nailing replicas of the 95 theses onto random surfaces. If someone objects to having a metal spike driven into their door, the student can simply respond as the Catholic church did: accuse the complainer of heresy and have them excommunicated.
Instead of handing out ‘worldly’ items like candy bars, the students of Samford will be given the ‘treat’ of gospel tracts disguised as $100 bills. This evangelism tactic has received such positive feedback from the minimum-wage servers at my local Chili’s that it seemed like a perfect choice.
These reforms (get it?) will extend to costumes as well. For too long now, Halloween has served as an excuse for college students to dress in obscene getups that go so far as to include (the horror!) EXPOSED SHOULDERS. Reformation day costumes will replace these licentious outfits with the far more sensible combination of itchy black robes and male pattern baldness.
Of course, no holiday would be complete without a party. Halloween parties usually consist of activities like making Jack-O-Lanterns, but since the second commandment forbids the creation of carved images, that clearly won’t work. I have some ideas for wholesome Christian fun (maybe reading the entirety of Leviticus in one sitting?), but I am open to suggestions. Unfortunately, chucking rotten fruit at passing Roman Catholics is off the table after one of them gave me something called a ‘restraining order’. Another example of papist trickery!
I hope that all REAL Christians will join me in celebrating Reformation Day this October 31. Together, we can protect this campus from the forces of evil and high blood sugar.
Staff Reporter
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