Disclaimer: Please don’t go plant any invasive species on any campus.
One of Samford’s biggest pulls when it comes to bringing new students to campus is how beautiful the university is. I must contest this notion. Every college campus is beautiful, and while Samford is beautiful, it isn’t quite unique enough to throw us into a new bracket of beauty.
Furman is considered one of the most beautiful campuses in the nation, but in reality, Samford is just as pretty. However, Furman is more unique because they have a big lake in the middle of campus.
Samford is currently trying to reach certain enrollment goals while at the same time facing financial concerns from students.
My solution to Samford’s basic-ness is to increase the uniqueness of Samford by committing eco-terrorism so that it may outshine our competitors. Not only must we commit eco-terrorism on Samford’s campus, but on our competitor’s campus’ as well.
Two hundred fresh giant bamboo seeds are $10.96 on Amazon ($18 with shipping). Bamboo is an incredible invasive species and a beautiful tree that will add an element of uniqueness to our campus.
If half of Samford’s campus decides to spend $18 on giant bamboo seeds, we will be able to cover Samford in bamboo by August.
I can see it now: homeruns driven into the bamboo forest, pandas roaming the quad and beautiful tours through the College of Health Sciences bamboo grove.
We will be the only bamboo-covered campus which, if my calculations are correct, will prompt a rebranding that hurls us into the national spotlight.
We can change our name to the Samford Pandas and increase enrollment strictly based on the publicity earned from this campaign.
As for competitor schools, alumni will need to band together to plant ugly invasive plants on their campus’, causing students to transfer to Samford’s beautiful bamboo covered campus.
Before you try and tell me that this is wrong, I simply reject that premise. Yes, it is eco-terrorism — however, we are called by Samford’s slogan to behave in this manner.
“For God, For learning, Forever,” is our school’s slogan and what better way to increase the impact of a Christian campus for learning and forever then to plant an invasive species that you physically can’t get rid of.
Not to mention our athletics war cry “All for Samford,” which I feel is plenty justification to plant a lot of Japanese Knotweed on Furman’s campus.
Editor-in-Chief
