DISCLAIMER: This is a satirical column.
Dearest Gentle Reader,
With a month of the new school year under our belts, it is time to take off those rose-colored glasses and look at the main problem plaguing our fine university. I am of course referring to The Scooter Problem ™ (I’m working on getting that patented).
Imagine this: you are walking across campus. You have on the perfect outfit; your favorite song comes on in your headphones. Life is good, heck, it’s great. Birds are chirping, the ops are nowhere to be found. And then suddenly, ZOOM! You are knocked off your feet, breath is absent from your lungs, one earbud has fallen out. You try to gain composure from your disheveled state only to see some student athlete nonchalantly driving by on their scooter not giving a second thought to the fact that they almost ended your life.
This is an event that happens daily. So many poor civilian students are terrified for their lives because of these scooters. And rightly so! They are dangerous! Do you know how many scooters related deaths there are every year? Me either, but I imagine it is a lot.
Now look, I understand that scooters are important for student athletes. They are a vital tool used to separate athletes from N.A.R.P.s and keep the districts in check, I get it! I’m just saying that we have to come up with a solution.
I have heard the argument over and over again that when the football team is doing bad, they should lose their scooter privileges. Yes, to some degree that would help, but that is like saying a band aid over a bullet wound would help.
I’ll explain: the argument is that we need to take scooters away when teams are doing bad. This would result in no one having a scooter except for the soccer girls and track team. Now, I’ll be honest with you, these are the main perpetrators when it comes to The Scooter Problem ™. So, in the end, we’d try to fix the issue but only end up cementing it into Samford Law. I don’t want that and neither do you.
My solution is, drum roll please, Scooter lanes! I know it’s genius but please hold your applause. By having separate scooter lanes athletes can keep their hierarchy and us N.A.R.P.s do not have to fear for their lives when they are just trying to get to class.
Public Relations Manager
