By Emma Hawkins
Disclaimer: This is a satirical column.
Samford’s campus is fairly petite, comparatively, to other college campuses. We mingle in our own little melting pot — we flirt on Ben Brown under the frat tents — we trip on that horrific little sidewalk lip outside of the library and fall right into our crush’s arms since we typically see them left and right. It is inevitable to see a guy with his shirt off in the gym, or to see a girl with her luscious locks flowing in the breeze on the quad. Sounds glorious, right? A “God told me you were my wife” is just around the corner… and I am very, very scared. The girls and boys at Samford intermingle too much despite the drastic ratio, and it needs to be addressed.
What is my solution? Split campus in half. Obviously, the boys’ half will be more of a third… or a fourth… but nonetheless!
The process of dividing campus would be easy and a no- brainer. The girls would receive: the University Center, the library, Reid Chapel, all the freshman dorm buildings, every Beeson building and CHS. The boys would get West Village and the Rec Center.
The perks of this layout are so clear. The boys would never have to, (or get to) leave their harmonious little man circle of masculinity and sweat. They could throw anything they wanted, run in a big square all day and tackle each other as much as they desired without any girls distracting them. Because, as we all know, girls are very distracting.
The pros of the girls’ side are never ending. It will be an oasis of rose-smelling pink clouds and braided hair. The academic output would be off the charts, and there would be free iced coffees every morning. There would be no fear of the frat flick any longer — a true paradise.
With this isolated system, each half could prioritize their own needs and success. Who needs a ring by spring?
Let me paint a picture for you: a tour decides to come through. They would split up the dads and moms and daughters and sons to go on their half of campus. They would get to see true brotherhood and sisterhood in action, and recognize how sweet and rich it will be after senior year when they can finally be enmeshed in the big kid world together after being separated for so long. The parents will have no worry about accidents of any kind. It is truly the perfect answer.
So, how will the boys and girls communicate? If they so wish to reach the other side, there will be carrier bulldogs to bring a letter of choice over, but only on weekdays from 2 p.m. to 5 p.m. Imagine what a treat it would be to receive an anonymous love letter on a fateful Wednesday at a crisp 3 p.m.?
Grades will be better. Rooms will be cleaner. Shoulders will no longer be seen. There will no longer be embarrassing crush experiences or blushing because you said the wrong thing. Samford can uphold its values more efficiently, and students can be set up for greater accomplishments in the long term.
This is the funniest thing I’ve ever read