By Jackson Clark
DISCLAIMER: This is a satirical column.
I am sick and tired of the constant complaints about the lack of parking on campus. It seems like every few days, I hear a fresh crop of whining from some freshman who didn’t get to park on the first level of Smith, or a resident of Beeson Woods that has to (Heaven forbid) park one dorm over.
They bemoan their unfairness of a parking ticket (they deliberately parked in a fire lane) and have nothing but rage for anyone foolish enough to park a centimeter over the line. Every time Samford announces a new building project, these complainers come out of the woodwork to ask why it was not more parking spaces.
The way these people talk, you would think that they want the entire campus to be one big parking lot. You know what? Fine. You want more parking? Here’s a Samford Solution for you.
Starting next semester, construction crews will begin bulldozing the entirety of Samford’s campus. Dorms, academic buildings, the UC: everything must go. In their place, the campus will be paved over and entirely covered in parking spaces. Every inch of green space will be replaced by fresh asphalt and metal lamp posts topped with retina-scorching LEDs.
This simple fix will eliminate all complaints students have with Samford’s parking situation. No longer will people envy the lots of other dorms. Now everyone will have equal access to the same massive parking lot. There will be enough spaces for everyone to park their vehicles over the line however they please.
The benefits go beyond parking. Many students have expressed the wish for classes to be held outside on sunny days. Now they get to have class outside all the time, no matter the weather. Many buildings on Central Campus are showing their age, and there have been many complaints about the lack of upkeep.
The new parking lot would require these relics to be demolished. Never again would students be subjected to the Cold War chic of Brooks’ hallways or the labyrinthian floorplan of Russell/Ingalls, because there would be neither walls nor floors. Everyone wins!
Of course, nothing comes for free. The labor to complete these remodels will be costly. After calculating the total cost, my estimates suggest that Samford would need to raise the price of each parking pass by about $40,000. Coincidentally, this puts it right in line with the cost of Samford tuition, which will be reduced to zero because Samford will no longer have services to pay tuition for.
This trade off means that students will be paying roughly the same amount as they were previously, but instead of a collegiate education, they will be purchasing something far more valuable: a guaranteed parking spot.
