By Jackson Clark
DISCLAIMER: This is a satirical column.
In a previous edition of this column, I suggested some potential renovations to improve the parking situation on Samford’s campus. After receiving several notes from the administration labeling my project as “unsafe” and “fiscally irresponsible” (whatever that means), I decided to shift my focus to some other potential changes around campus. As I cast my mind around for creative ways to burn through Samford’s endowment, inspiration struck.
By inspiration, I of course mean the sharp corner of the Samford Gives back table on Ben Brown Plaza. After hurling some church sanctioned “darns” and “dang nabbits” at said table, I reflected on the sheer amount of tabling that has taken over Ben Brown in recent weeks. Greek life philanthropy, pop up shops, girl scout cookies: no matter the occasion, you are guaranteed to find at least one table hogging the social space in Ben Brown during the week. With its proximity to the UC and central location on campus, it is inevitable that a student will have to cross the plaza’s hallowed brickwork at some point. They are then forced to duck their head down and speedwalk past the fountain to avoid being heckled by the multitude of vendors.
Clearly, something needs to change. While my initial instinct would be to ban tabling on Ben Brown entirely, there are a few problems with this. For one, it severely limits the amount of fundraising Greek organizations can do to get on the University’s good side. Additionally, the free shirts that make up 80% of our wardrobes would be harder to distribute. Worst of all, my Thin Mint suppliers would have no place to peddle their wares!
In lieu of this option, I decided to do what any reasonable person would: the exact opposite of what I just suggested. Introducing, the Ben Brown Bazaar. Ben Brown will be converted from a social space to an open-air market. All remaining walkable space will be filled with shops selling colorful curiosities from local artisans or exotic dishes from restaurants like Taco Mama and Cookout. Any student passing through will be verbally harassed by street vendors selling their wares or raising money for charitable causes (complimentary loudspeakers will be provided).
This initiative, of course, is not without its problems, foremost among which would be the development of the black market. The hustle and bustle of Ben Brown Bazaar could present an opportunity for shady characters to make their money in less than legal ways. Wearing dark coats and beckoning from between the stalls, these seedy individuals could sell contraband such as alcohol, Caf passes or even, heaven forbid, candles! While this is a legitimate concern, Chief Taylor and the officers of Samford have a wealth of experience dealing with students purchasing illicit goods on campus, so the situation will be under control. In exchange for this small inconvenience, Ben Brown will be less walkable and more commercialized than ever before!
