DISCLAIMER: This is a satirical column.
Arguably the biggest epidemic plaguing Samford today is people climbing trees. Imagine you’re having a rough day. You’re walking down the quad. You look up. You see someone’s dirty foot swinging right in front of your face because they’re sitting in the tree. Suddenly your day goes from bad to worse.
My friends live on the second floor in a Beeson dorm. One day their window was open, and a man they did not know climbed up a tree so he could talk to them. That is a true story. Imagine if he had tried to jump into their dorm!
With all the campus safety issues we are having, we do not need another way for creeps to get into dorms. We don’t have to take this. I’ve proposed some solutions. First, we can cut down all the trees. This option nips the whole problem in the bud. However, I understand it could be a little extreme. So, I have more options. We could cut off all of the low hanging limbs. This way we could still have the trees, but no one could climb them. Which I think is a win-win all around. However, people, specifically Samford students, are very stubborn, and I think this would just make them want to climb the trees more. Which would probably result in someone getting hurt if there were only really high limbs in the trees.
This brings me to another option. We put barbed wire on the low hanging limbs. This way no one’s going to even try to climb the trees. Because why would they bother? I think this also would give Samford a cool, edgy look that would make interesting people want to come here. At the end of the day, I am open to any alternative to getting people out of the trees. Please email me at getoutofthetrees@gmail.com for any more ideas you may have or just to join the cause. Together we will get them out of the trees!
Public Relations Manager
