DISCLAIMER: This is a satirical articile
Samford students are known for complaining too much about things like parking, housing and food accessibility. We used to go to war. We used to forge. We used to construct. Now we just sit around and gossip and complain.
We need to go back to our primitive ways so we can be better Samford soldiers. This starts with us fortifying our fortresses instead of waiting around for campus maintenance to fix problems for us. The next step is to return to horseback and foot to traverse the city of Birmingham instead of waiting around for shuttles and fair-priced parking permits.
We can traverse to work and class with horses, which will show the rest of the world we aren’t whiney Gen-Z doomscrolling college students, but warriors. The final thing we need to do is to stop waiting around for administration to fix any dining problems that they might cause with the growth plans and just live off what is around us.
This is where I call for the president of SOAC, Stephen Lilly, should take his rightful position as captain of a new Samford hunting party. I also call on Fishing Club president, Niko Foster, to be captain of a new Samford Navy and fishing party. I also call on Samford shooting sports club President Hayden Dietrich to be the new general of Samford defense, just in case the things we hunt for decide they want revenge. We can also have all the environmental majors forge and teach classes on what is edible on Samford’s campus.
The primary things we should be hunting for are squirrels, raccoons, bulldogs, whales and any assortment of birds. Squirrels are already in a surplus on this campus. There are a few common places where raccoons hang out like the Beeson Woods dumpster. There are more whales at Samford than you would think. They may be hard to find, but they will be well worth it. There are a lot of birds in Alabama, and they should be easy to hunt.
Finally, there are plenty of places to make campfires in the quad to cook our freshly caught meals. We will no longer have to wait in line for food or be perceived as whiney caffeine-addicted college students. We will be warriors — as Samford intends us to be.
Editor-in-Chief
