DISCLAIMER: This article is purely satire
As graduation approaches, one Samford University senior is facing a crisis that threatens to derail her academic career.
Despite maintaining a 4.0 GPA and completing all required coursework, the student has failed to meet one of Samford’s most important graduation requirements: getting engaged.
“I thought I was on track to graduate until I checked DegreeWorks,” the senior said. “Apparently, having 120 credit hours doesn’t mean much when you don’t have a ring on your finger.”
According to Samford’s Office of Matrimonial Affairs, students are expected to secure a boyfriend by junior year, allowing sufficient time for a proposal, engagement photos and at least one Instagram caption referencing God’s timing.
The senior, however, has entered her final year without so much as a situationship.
“She’s definitely behind, but it’s nothing we haven’t seen before,” said a university official. “Seven months is more than enough time to meet someone, fall in love and commit to a lifetime together. All in God’s perfect timing!”
The student has since met with her academic advisor to develop an accelerated graduation plan.
Under the plan, she must secure a boyfriend by Halloween, meet his parents over Thanksgiving and spend Christmas discussing baby names. January will be reserved for ring shopping, with a proposal scheduled for February.
This leaves March and April for premarital counseling, wedding planning and the mandatory engagement photo session at the Birmingham Botanical Gardens.
“She’s already picked out a floral dress and a sensible nude heel for her engagement photos, which is a great start,” the advisor said. “We’re just working on finding someone to stand next to her.”
The student has also already purchased a white dress for her spring formal and plans to wear it on spring break to her bachelorette party. University officials described this decision as “demonstrating initiative.”
Her roommate, who got engaged after dating her fiancé since fourth grade, expressed concern over her friend’s lack of preparation.
“Honestly, I don’t know what she’s been doing for the past three years,” the roommate said. “I finished my engagement requirement sophomore year so I could focus on my major.”
University officials noted that the student missed several opportunities to get ahead, including establishing a marriage pact at Neon Party freshman year or securing a spot in Bobby Gatlin’s dating cadre.
“Most students come into freshman year with at least three potential husbands identified,” an official said. “By senior year, you really should have narrowed it down to one.”
The Registrar’s Office confirmed that students must submit proof of engagement before their degrees can be conferred. Acceptable documentation includes a ring photo, a screenshot taken by a best friend on FaceTime after the proposal and an Instagram post captioned “The easiest yes.”
University officials remain optimistic that she can complete the requirement before graduation, though they have encouraged her to begin attending every fraternity formal as an emergency precaution.
“There’s still time,” her advisor said. “But if she hasn’t met someone by Thanksgiving, we’re going to have to start looking at graduate school.”
News Editor
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